Singing

As I've said before, I love singing. I've done a lot of it over the years, in various choirs and things, but I'm not actually sure whether or not I'm any good at it.

I can pick up a tune easily enough, and I don't have much trouble learning parts and harmonies. I just don't know if the quality of my voice is any good, and I suspect it isn't. Being able to pick up harmonies and learn stuff isn't the same as being a good singer (although it helps).

I've heard myself on record before and I didn't really like what I heard, so I don't like listening to any recordings of me singing (there are a couple!). Somehow I always sound better in my head compared to the way I sound to other people. A colleague, who is a good singer, sings a lot in the office, which is a delight. I, despite my love of singing, do not normally sing in the office in case I make a horrible noise.

I think confidence is one of my main weaknesses (in general life as well as singing), as is my reduced breathing capacity. Weirdly, I can breathe perfectly well enough to play the flute, but not to sing. I suppose it's a different type of breathing. I know I don't sing very loudly, possibly due to my rubbish breathing technique, and I'm not very good at projecting my voice, unlike the aforementioned colleague, who is an excellent person to have around if you need someone to shout at the students to be quiet.

Because I love singing so much I dread that one day someone will turn round to me and say, 'you can't actually sing, you know' (or whatever) and then I'll be very sad. I suppose I live under this illusion of my own talent, so I'd rather not be disillusioned. I don't think I'm very good at many things, although I can do a lot of things passably well, but singing is one thing I've always thought I'm good at. I suppose I'm like those poor people on Pop Idol or similar who go in to the audition thinking they're the next Eva Cassidy*, and then Simon Cowell laughs in their face and says 'I don't mean to be rude but,...'

*I should just clarify, I don't think I'm that good. I just think I can hold a tune and do you a decent harmony should you require one. If I do my fake opera voice though... Kiri you should look out... ( =

I suppose if I love singing anyway I shouldn't really mind whether other people think I'm any good or not. But I do, I really badly want to be really good at something I love doing, and I want other to people to think I'm good at it, too. I guess I just have an ego that wants to be stroked, but I can't be a shy and retiring librarian all the time, can I?