Six months

Today it is six months since Mr C and I got married. Therefore, it seems an appropriate time to reflect on marriage and relationships, with reference to my own experiences. I know six months isn't very long, but it has been an important six months in terms of new experiences and emotions, and in terms of learning how to live with another person without driving them mad (although I'm not sure I have actually achieved this yet!).

I had never been an attachment of any sort before I started going out with (yucky term) Mr C, and I remember being quite scared of being in a committed relationship. I do sympathise with men who get scared about this sort of thing (but only to a certain extent). I suppose some of the fear came from selfishness, because, if I was going to do it properly and be a good other half, I was going to have to think about another person all the time. Not in the sense of being daydreamy about them, but in the practical sense of planning how I would spend my time etc. After being single for 24 years this takes some adjusting to. The other part of the fear came from the little voice in my head that was saying 'what if it all goes wrong? What if we fall out and we can't be friends anymore? What if I don't like being in a relationship?' and probably other things that I can't remember anymore.

As neither of us had been out with anyone before, we weren't actually sure what we were supposed to do! Going out with someone is a bit of a strange concept anyway, in my opinion. You could argue (as some people, especially Christians, do) that there's no point in going out with someone unless you intend to marry them. I'm not sure about this, mainly because I don't think it's realistic to expect people to know whether they want to marry someone without having been in a deeper relationship with them than as 'just' friends. I know you can have deep relationships with friends, but there is a line, and once you cross it you're not really 'just' friends. This is sort of what happened with me and Mr C. We crossed the line of feelings, and once we realised this (it took a while!) we weren't 'just' friends anymore. We were now...going out...

I felt too old be a girlfriend, but I hate the term 'partner'. Girlfriend just makes me think of being at school and annoying couples in the playground. Our relationship was much the same as our friendship really - we are still friends first, before any of the more complicated emotional stuff, and that's the way I like it. I hope Mr C likes it this way as well. Being shy and retiring types, we didn't tell lots of people about our change in 'status' but most of our friends who were around at the time had guessed anyway!

It took a long time for us to cross the line to 'going out', and it, understandably, it took longer to cross the line to 'engagement'. Being Christians, and with many of our friends already married, we faced a lot of pressure to get engaged quite soon after people found out we were a couple (of what?). I went through stages of being happy and sure we would get married, and then thinking that being in a relationship was too hard and wanting to escape. Having been used to my own company and way of doing things, and being a control freak in a relationship with someone who is nearly the complete opposite of me in many ways, this feeling of wanting to escape occured quite a lot, right up until we got married.*

In his own words: "Mr C had a fear of marriage and commitment. In fact he still does, but it's too late for him to back out now. He is mine. Actually he seems to be perversely enjoying it. Perhaps I have miscalculated [he says]. Marriage is great because you can indulge in silliness in front of each other and the other person can't get rid of you."

Seriously, though, we both found the concept of marriage extremely scary. Even though we knew it was the right thing to do, and, after much discussion and thought decided to get engaged, the idea of spending the rest of our lives together was still rather disturbing. I realise that this probably sounds like we didn't love each other enough or something, but this was not the case. It was more that we were, and are, both aware of our own weaknesses and recognise that those weaknesses could be detrimental to a marriage. I think it's more natural to be slightly afraid of being with one person for the rest of your life. It's the same with any sort of commitment - you are bound to worry whether you are making the right decision or not. I don't think that marriage is magically immune from this kind of worry, despite what fairy-tales and Hollywood would have us believe.

Actually, that was part of the problem for us, or for Mr C, at least, when we were considering each stage in our relationship. Being an optimist, he expected that when he fell in love and got married all would be Hollywood-style perfect, and if it wasn't there was something wrong and maybe we shouldn't go to the next stage. I've always been more of a pessimist!

I've always found being in a relationship quite difficult. This is not due to any fault on the part of my husband, I just don't think I'm a person who naturally shares their emotions, and I have all my weird ways and moods that he has to contend with. We are quite different in personality and don't share many of the same interests, but somehow (often to my surprise!) it works. It's probably just as well that we're so different - I don't think I could put up with another me! I am almost constantly amazed at Mr C's tolerance and patience, as I've mentioned on this blog before.

*Actually, if I'm having a bad day it still does occur occasionally. It's not really that I want to escape now, but sometimes I just don't feel able to be in a relationship and worry that my bad personality traits are going to mess everything up.

In summary: relationships aren't easy, but can lead to much happiness.

Sorry it was such a long post. Congratulations if you got to the end!