Take me to your leader

I am supposed to be a team leader/supervisor. I say supposed to be, because most of the time I don't feel like one, or at least not an effective one. It is difficult being a supervisor when you are not a particularly assertive person. On top of this, I find it really hard to make decisions when it's not a clear cut case, and particularly when people's feelings could be hurt if I make the wrong decision. You can tell I'm not exactly ideal management material! The weird thing is, I actually enjoy being a supervisor and having a group of people to look after. It helps that my team are very well behaved 99.9% of the time. I'm not sure what I would do if they suddenly stopped working hard and started being rude!

We (two senior library assistants (SLAs) and I) were talking yesterday about having to justify our higher pay scales to the library assistants [we decided having more meetings on our own might do it - not entirely seriously], and I was then thinking well, how do I justify getting paid more than the SLAs? What do I actually do that's harder work than what they do? I suppose I (at the moment) have to do rotas, and I have to speak to and deal with bad students, which isn't very nice sometimes, and of course I am supposed to supervise the office. However, I'm pretty sure either of the SLAs could do this at least equally well. [One of the SLAs may well read this so I should add that I'm not trying to flatter people, I'm just giving my true opinion]. I think the supervisor side of my job will come out more next term, when we will be doing more stuff with fewer people, thus increasing the need for prioritising and 'control' of tasks and workloads. I'm quite looking forward to the challenge. It will be interesting - hopefully in a good way!

I feel that I need to prove myself to some extent, because I feel like I'm a bit of a 'Weak King' a lot of the time at the moment, like I'm sort of floundering along hoping it'll be ok in the end. My memory is quite bad, which doesn't help when it's Thursday night (or whichever day) and I've forgotten I need an extra person for the rota, for example. The decision making thing is a Thing as well. I wish I could be less emotional about these things. [Overuse of the word 'thing', I fear]. Some managers seem to be adept at making decisions which are pretty much bound to upset people and not minding. How do they do that? Maybe it's better for the soul not to be able to, although I don't know any managers who are really bad people. I suppose they're just more pragmatic than I am.

I've found that it's quite easy to be paranoid when you start supervising people. When I'm having a paranoid moment (usually after I've done something wrong) I think, 'what if they think I'm rubbish and a bad supervisor, they must think that because I know I am, what if they all secretly hate me, I bet they wish they hadn't given me the job, I bet X thinks they could do a better job, etc, etc'. I do, in dark moments, feel like most of my team could do my job and that it's only my library qualification that warrants me doing it.

This year (it's nearly a year since I started my current job) has definitely been a fairly steep learning curve. Sometimes it has been difficult, and library politics haven't helped. However, I'm a lot happier in my work now than I was a year ago, and I'm looking forward to what's going to happen next. For helping me through this year I'd like to thank my agent [non-existent], my lovely Reader Services team, my family and friends, the Academy [University] and of course my dear husband who has always been sympathetic when I've whinged. I'll keep my Oscar in the bathroom...or maybe the kitchen.